


it's all me (in my head)

by stickynoted



Series: call it what you want [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, choreographer soonyoung, honestly what's the difference between the two, producer/director jihoon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:15:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22303210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stickynoted/pseuds/stickynoted
Summary: "I blew things out of proportion, now you're blue"They don't fight very often, and rarely ever is it about work. But when they do, people get hurt in the process.
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Series: call it what you want [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1605403
Comments: 6
Kudos: 108





	it's all me (in my head)

**Author's Note:**

> helloooo ! back with another soonhoon written for monah!
> 
> this is part of an ongoing series wherein i write fics based on taylor swift's discography. this one is inspired by afterglow from the Lover album

_Why'd I have to break what I love so much?_

Soonyoung rarely gets upset at Jihoon, and much less at the fact Jihoon is a very busy man. He knew what he had coming for him. Jihoon is on his way to becoming one of the most sought-after musical directors and producers in the country, which means a lot of his time is dedicated to his work. Soonyoung understands that completely; himself a choreographer and performer with the National Dance Company.

What Soonyoung does not understand is why Jihoon can't seem to remember that he lives a life outside of work, a life that coincides and is closely intertwined with another person's life. So when he tells him that he's due to fly out to New York next week to meet with the production company he's working on an album for, Soonyoung finds himself very annoyed in the middle of the canned goods aisle in their local grocery store. He nods absent-mindedly and pushes the cart with more force than it probably needed. If Jihoon notices, he doesn't say anything.

The drive home is relatively quiet, Soonyoung playing games on his phone while Jihoon drums his fingers to an unknown rhythm against the steering wheel. When they get back, Soonyoung unloads the bags from their car, Jihoon unlocks the door. Soonyoung makes a beeline to their kitchen and starts putting their food away.

"Why are you upset?" Jihoon's tone is less inquisitive than it is stating a fact. Soonyoung knows he hasn't been very subtle with his frustration but it's not like he was trying to hide it in the first place with how aggressively he was stuffing groceries into their pantry cupboards.

"Nothing," Soonyoung mutters, shutting the cabinets with a huff. "It's nothing."

Jihoon doesn't look convinced.

"It's clearly not nothing when you've barely spoken a word to me since we left the supermarket. Tell me." Jihoon places himself between Soonyoung and the kitchen counter, leaning back for support.

They stare at each other for what feels like almost a minute before Soonyoung walks off to the dining room to bring in another bag of produce.

"It doesn't matter," he says to Jihoon who is watching him closely. Jihoon walks over to him and places a hand on the small of his back.

"Soonyoung. Tell me." His tone is firm but not cold. It never is. Soonyoung refuses to look at him.

"Why didn't you tell me about New York earlier?" The words come out harsher than he means and it takes Jihoon aback.

"That's what this is about? Soonyoung, I'm sorry. The details were only finalized last Tuesday."

"It's Saturday, Jihoon. You had four days to tell me." Soonyoung doesn't want to sound like a bratty teenager, but he's really pissed that it took Jihoon several days to tell him.

"I don't understand why you're upset. This isn't the first time this has happened." Soonyoung turns around to face him with a deep frown.

"No, it's not. But at least those other times came with a warning. I knew almost as soon as you got the confirmation. You would call or text me. This time, nothing. That's so irritating, Jihoon." Soonyoung's tone is icy and stabs Jihoon right through the chest that it hurts. Jihoon takes two steps back, eyes never leaving Soonyoung.

"I've been busy preparing the demos and documents for the client. You knew this month was going to be busy for me because all the work that piled up from the holidays has to get moving."

"Yeah, but I didn't think that meant I would barely see you for over a week." The past week has been one of real disconnect in their lives. Soonyoung waking up at 5 just as Jihoon was coming home from the studio, coming home to an empty house. There were nights Jihoon wouldn't come home and he'd spend the night in the office. All with only about twenty texts spanning a whole five days.

Jihoon sighs heavily and runs a hand through his hair. He's exhausted from the week and he really doesn't need this on top of all the work he has to do. "I'm sorry for not giving you a heads up, but I really don't see why this should be a problem."

"Of course you don't!" Soonyoung blurts out, slamming a hand to the counter. "Does it bother you at all that we've only gone on one date since the Christmas holidays? After the holiday recital, we've only gone out once and even that date, we had to cut short because you had an early morning meeting the next day."

Jihoon is quiet and it fuels Soonyoung's anger. Part of him reasons out that _he_ 's the one on sabbatical from work, not Jihoon, but at the same time, another part of him says that Jihoon would be putting in a bit more effort to spend time with him if he really wanted to.

"Soonyoung, I can't afford to just take a break from work." Jihoon has to try and keep his own irritation out of his voice. It's almost 9 and he really wants to sleep. "I don't think the company would just let me go, especially in the middle of a big project like this."

"You could have said no to it from the get-go." He knows he's being selfish but he can't help himself; he's hurt.

"I didn't want to," Jihoon bites back. "This is a massive opportunity for me, Soonyoung. It's a major recording company and it helps get my name out there."

"Is it worth putting everything else in your life on hold? I took the vacation leave from performing so we could be together, Jihoon, not so I would sit around idly, waiting for you to come home."

"I never told you to take the damn break!" Jihoon yells. "I thought teaching at the company was keeping you busy, but apparently it's not. I'm finding ways to keep myself busy, and if that includes flying to New York to work on something that will be beneficial for me, I'm going to do it."

"It does but I never let it eat me up from the inside out! I know you have a life, Jihoon, but sometimes I wonder if you want me in it." Soonyoung notices the slight wince that runs through Jihoon's expression but he's too angry to stop himself. "Maybe if you cared about something other than yourself for once—"

"You think I don't care?" Jihoon cuts him off sharply, glaring at him from across the kitchen. "Do you seriously still think my music is the only thing that matters to me? Like I haven't fought for this relationship as much as you have? Like I didn't fight to the nail to prove to everyone in my life that you wouldn't hurt me? That you were good to me?"

"That's not what I mean," Soonyoung says, holding up a finger.

"For Christ's sake, Soonyoung, we've been together for four years." Jihoon's eyes are glistening with tears—from sadness or anger, neither of them can tell. "What is it about us that you're so insecure about?"

The word _insecure_ slices through the air, cut through his skin, and sends him reeling.

"I'm trying to do better for myself because I have to. You could afford to take a sabbatical because you've earned that level of respect in the dance company. I have to take every opportunity that comes my way because I have had to work my ass off to gain the respect I have now," Jihoon says and the tears slowly fall from his eyes. He sniffs and wipes them away with an annoyed noise. "I stood by your side when you joined the company five years ago, a time when I had nothing to my name. I watched you go through audition after audition, rehearsal after rehearsal. I was there when you went from apprentice to soloist. You have no right to tell me that I don't care."

Jihoon walks up to Soonyoung and stares him dead in the eyes. "You have been center stage for the longest time, Soonyoung. I don't think you remember what it feels like to work behind the scenes."

Jihoon pulls away and turns toward the living room. Soonyoung stays planted on his feet, staring at the spot where Jihoon was until he hears the jingle of keys. He briskly walks to the living room as Jihoon stuggles to pull his shoes on at the foyer.

"Where are you going?" Soonyoung calls out, plea evident in his voice. _Wait. Stop. I'm sorry._

Jihoon looks up, cheeks streaked and eyes red. "Wonwoo's." _Let me go._

"Jihoon, w—wait—" Soonyoung stammers as Jihoon unlocks their door. With a brief turn, he gives him a small, sad smile.

"Good night, Soonyoung." With that, the door swings shut behind him and echoes throughout the apartment.

—

Soonyoung's alarm blares from the bedside table and he blindly reaches behind him to shut it off. He nuzzles his face deeper into his pillow and reaches out to the right side of the bed for more warmth. His hands are met with cold air and he opens his eyes to stare at the empty space. The pillow case is smooth and the extra blanket on top of it remains untouched. There is no phone or half-empty glass on the other nightstand.

 _Right._ Soonyoung reminds himself as he pulls himself into sitting position and looks around the room.

There are photos of him and Jihoon taped onto the wall across him; their first date, Jihoon at the red carpet of an awards ceremony, Soonyoung crying during an anniversary surprise. There are pictures from vacations together—Paris, Chicago, Osaka—and even solo trips like Jihoon's work trip to London for a musical he was helping direct and Soonyoung at a beginner's dance class in Sydney.

In the four years they've been together, there were a lot of good times. There were also bad times. There's an old picture of Soonyoung's colorful and doodled cast from when he fractured his arm after falling off a scooter. Beside that is the prescription for Jihoon's insomnia medications. The plastic label of a beer bottle from the night of their first fight (that ended in a dimly lit hotel room) glistens from the sunlight pouring in.

 _We save these things to remember them so future us can learn from them._ Soonyoung can hear Jihoon's voice in his head from when he asked him why he collected what seemed like random ephemera. Soonyoung liked to call him a memory hoarder. Jihoon would only shrug and kiss him with a smile.

Soonyoung sighs quietly, checking his phone (no messages apart from a group text with the other company members and a message from Seungkwan thanking him for a postcard) before pulling off the covers and making his way to the bathroom. His lips quirk up at the sight of their toothbrushes leaning against each other as he steps into the shower to start his day.

He's towel-drying his hair when he steps out to the kitchen only to stop dead in his tracks.

"That's my towel," Jihoon remarks from the dining table, a cup of coffee and a croissant in front of him. There's a book in his other hand and another cup by the counter. He's still dressed in his clothes from last night but his eyes aren't red and puffy and he looks like he's slept a couple hours. Soonyoung blinks owlishly at him in surprise before speaking.

"Hi," he whispers, as if Jihoon is an illusion that will shatter and disappear if he speaks any louder. Jihoon smiles at him softly.

"Hi."

"Jihoon, I'm—" Soonyoung starts but Jihoon cuts him off by shaking his head slowly.

"Later," he says, turning his eyes back down to the book he's reading. Soonyoung nods to himself.

Later, they'll sit in their living room and talk. Later, Soonyoung will apologize again and again, and Jihoon will listen. Later, Jihoon will also apologize, and Soonyoung will also listen. Later, they'll hold each other on the sofa and listen to each other's steady breathing. Later that night, as they're laying in bed, Jihoon will pull out two plane tickets to New York and Soonyoung will cry. He'll also deny it vehemently when Jihoon makes any attempt to bring it up.

For now though, Soonyoung takes his coffee from the counter and pulls a chair across from Jihoon. For now, Jihoon slides his soft hand into Soonyoung's open one and they share the croissant. For now, they sit as a calm silence echoes throughout the apartment.

_It's all me, just don't go._

_Meet me in the afterglow._

**Author's Note:**

> edit (02/03/2020): realized there was an inconsistency as to where jihoon is going! it's new york, not singapore
> 
> i don't really write angst or hurt/comfort bc i hate tension but HEY no harm in branching out!
> 
> yell at me (or request a fic!) on twitter [@suhvoungho](http://twitter.com/suhvoungho)


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